


that old, dull pain

by humanveil



Series: et cetera [5]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Character Study, Coda, Episode: s11e04 Hammered, Gen, Season/Series 11
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-03
Updated: 2019-02-03
Packaged: 2019-10-21 13:35:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 465
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17643812
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/humanveil/pseuds/humanveil
Summary: She is no longer the little girl aching for her mother’s love, and yet, as she’d watched Sonya stumble, unsteady without her help, she’d thought only of Serena.





	that old, dull pain

**Author's Note:**

> a quick post-ep for hammered because liv's mommy issues get me in my feelings. no other characters actually _appear_ but i felt it needed the tags anyway? i don't know. 
> 
> enjoy!

_Beloved mother._

She traces the words. Runs smooth fingertips across rough, ragged stone, lets her skin catch on where it’s chipped. She hadn’t known what to pick at the time, hadn’t thought about it yet. 

She figures it’s true enough. She did love her mother-- _does_  love her mother. The way all children do. That complicated connection; too innate to override. Even after everything. 

She breathes, now. Tries to control it but fails, her exhale of hair shaky at best. She doesn’t do this. Doesn’t visit her mother’s grave, doesn’t like to think about it, doesn’t like to remember. Doesn’t like what it  _does:_  the way emotion claws at her throat, things she’s tried her best to bury rising up. Taking over. 

_Mommy like her cocktail, or...?_

It’s strange, being here. Stranger, still, the reason for her visit. She figures there are many reasons to dislike Sonya Paxton, but she hadn’t counted on this being one of them. 

_I definitely saw a lot of my mother in her._

Walking out of the courtroom had been like travelling back in time: the role of the co-dependent a repressed familiarity, a place she’d sworn she wouldn’t return to. 

And she hadn’t. She is no longer the little girl aching for her mother’s love, and yet, as she’d watched Sonya stumble, unsteady without her help, she’d thought only of Serena. Of late nights and slurred words and the hard-wired concern that’d been present throughout her childhood. 

_Don’t do this to me._

She remembers being ten, eleven, twelve; being fourteen, fifteen, sixteen. Remembers watching her mother drink and feeling her stomach fill with dread; the anxious wait for the inevitable. She remembers seeing the bottles disappear, the damage pile up. Remembers finding Serena out cold in a place that wasn’t her bed and thinking, _will_ _she get up this time?_  And,  _what if she doesn’t?_

_Please, Olivia, don’t do this to me._

The flowers she’d brought move with the wind, and she grabs them. Tries not to crush delicate petals as she kneels before her mother’s grave. The earth beneath her is wet, the dampness seeping into her trousers, and she know she won’t stay much longer, knows she won’t be able to stomach it; that any minute now she’ll swallow the emotion clogged in her throat and return to the car, to the partner that’s waiting. 

He’s worried about her. Olivia knows that, too. Had felt it follow her out of the car and across the field. When she gets back, she knows the expression Elliot will send her like the back of her own hand: covert concern, voice gentle as he asks,  _you okay?_ as if she has an answer to give. 

She knows she’ll tell him yes. 

She wonders if it will taste like a lie. 

**Author's Note:**

> comments & kudos = ♡♡♡
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/elliotoiivia) / [tumblr](http://humanveil.tumblr.com/)


End file.
